goodbye my lover --- james blunt 



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These days, for me, are really tough.
You know, I have been having bad eyesight, for more than 15yrs.
It was/is/will be a disaster for me to live in the world, according to my parents.
They keep talking,"You may be blind! If you don't watch out...
Or,"We cannot imagine how your eyes will be in your 40s." 
Of course,this situation,like a ghost,has been hanging the whole family down all these years.
Being a mature people who comes to understand what is the real love,now I realize,
In some extent,my parents're right,but,not absolutely accurate enough.
For now,from the bottom of my heart,it's not huge.It's OK,so that I can accept it.

Let me try to explain why I said things insane like those above.
Well,in the dark,of course temporary,I feel so peaceful.
Yep,I'm totally dipping myself into a silent and pure world.
I can't see anything,using my eyes now.Sometimes it's not convenient for my daily life.
But meanwhile,this makes me feel like a state-of-the-art machine,that can detect anything around me.
My heart and fingers,even my whole body,from tips to toes,are more sensitive.
Now ,all over my body,there're pairs of eyes,sharp ,clear and impossible to deceive by illusions.

That's awesome.

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Let me show you a photogragh which is moving.
It's simple and pure,involving just a man and a puppy.



Looking at them for this moment,I feel warm and a little bit jealous.
I do really envy this teeny tiny puppy,which is being hold so carefully,like a treature.
And then I become to envy this man,not for his handsome looking,but the moment he had.
He can hug the very one in his arms,softly and tenderly,like God does.

That's why I love this pic,For the presentation of intimacy which I used to own.

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The "real clear"world being not so messy that I can't understand and handle it well,
I love this 'blurry fake"world,and in my dream I do hope it will last longer and longer.
Well,believe me,all I want to express is,lying in the dark is so cozy that I can't help leaning on it.
Yep,it's dark dark black,but pure like a heaven.

Embarrassed by the crowd, I felt all flushed with fever.
A functional disorder of my body,and then a long rest,are the gift that I really enjoy and cherish.
For me,for now,darkness and silence are luxuries which I cannot have before.



Black can be dangerous.
Somebody says it stands for the deep desperation and then,sometimes,the eternal death.
However,feelings are subjective and always changeable.
So black can mean lots of things,maybe mystery,silence,maturity,gravity...etc.
Among these the only concept I prefer is "possibility".
Not optimistic,not pessimistic,avoiding extremes,it's neutral.

Thinking in this way,the darkness,permeating through the field of vision of mine, is fantastic.
There is a brand-new world presenting in my black eyesight.
No tears,no devils,no words involving hurt and to be hurt,no "Good-Bye",it's the utopia,the real one.

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So in all there silence days,living in the dark,I was,and even now I am, searching for the one who can...
touch me tenderly,hug me deep,and kissing me intensely.
What the "intensely" means,for me now?
Like we will never get another chance to touch,hug and kiss someone else.
I'm preparing the "never-like" ceremony,for the last and desperate love I have.

And now I start missing the very one for one more time.
Well...I don't wanna mention that but it's really hard for me to neglect the true feelings.
There were some times I can do nothing but shed tears ,for the whole love story.
Not in a bursting way,but a silence one:
just lying with my eyes closed,and tears moving slowly.
If possible,it will like a sweet murder when we see eachother,again.



The very melody is always there,sang by my soul.
It goes like that,as you all know:"Killing me softly..."
I do wish I can be squished in somebody's arms.
Being small fragments which may be into the one's body,I'll be so content.
And the very one I wish,is gonna be you.

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All these feelings and the whole diary sound a little bit weird,I know.
So maybe it's time for the badeye-owner(me...) to have a long rest.
There will be still couples of days for me to wait until my damn eyes can be uesd normally again.
For the peaceful darkness,I will be a very patient person staying quietly.
"Just shut your eyes for some rest."Dr Shao said that 5 days ago.
During this period, on my mind,this short sentence tends to be a hint God dropped me.

Well,there is something I wanna talk to a friend of mine:
Thanx for hugs all these days.
Dear friend,due to my "black sight",your hands felt warmer,
and,the most beautiful thing you gave me was your hugs.They were tighter,getting tighter.
With eyes closed,I can still feel your tenderness.
Thanx for caring about me,as always.
Don't worry.I'll be better.I promise.



All right,posting such an all-English blog makes me feel a little dizzy.
Coz the letters are so tiny that they are definitely a torture to my poor eyes...
Well,let it come to an end.
If my parents and Dr.Shao konw my sneaking behaviors this morning,I will be dead meat,seriously.
So...it's high time to turn off my laptop and cool it...then go back to bed,pretending "Zzzz",
and enjoy my precious journey without eyes open.

I'll be back later.Missing you guys.
Take care of your eyes.
I bet most of you do hate staying in the blur,let alone the entire darkness.
Everybody...do right, be good.